This is the anniversary of the day our lives changed forever. I don't know that we'll ever heal. I still miss Jeremy so much. I think back to all the mistakes I made as a step-parent and wish I could erase them. I know Jeremy would not want me to be sad. I am so glad that Jeremy found the Lord before he died. Now I know he's waiting for me in heaven. I just wish the good Lord would see fit to take me sooner rather than later. I guess I must still have work to complete here. I want to thank everyone for their kind thoughts and prayers. I am grateful to have so many caring friends and family members.
I remember so clearly how beautiful October 15, 2008 was. It was a coolish/warm day with no wind. We been back from the Kentucky family reunion for a week or so. My grandparents, aunt and cousin had just went home from visiting. It was an Indian summer day. I decided to walk Belle on the reservation. I did not completely freak out when a snake almost slithered over my foot. I came upon a pack of wild dogs and scared them off so they didn't attack me and Belle. It was a good day. Then Sheila called in tears, "Can you go to the hospital? Jeremy's been in an accident and they are air-lifting to him UNMH and I want someone to be there for him." I immediately started shaking and my stomach sunk to my knees. I called Bo and Benjaman in from hunting down the wild dogs. We all rushed to the hospital, where they had no information about Jeremy coming. So we started the flurry of phone calls trying to figure out what was going on, where was Jeremy, how badly was he hurt, etc. Sheila said all she knew was that he was hurt badly and was on life support. It was all so surreal. Jeremy was so careful on his motocyle, he always wore his helmet, he was young and strong. So, Bo, Benjaman and I waited around the hospital. I kept thinking, Jeremy will be fine; he'll get through this; he's strong. I prayed for God's will, but please help Jeremy. Finally, the hospital staff said we could go back. But they didn't take us to Jeremy, they took us to a little room. They came for insurance information. They said he had landed in Albuquerque and he was en route to the hospital. Finally, after what seemed like forever, a doctor came into the room. We all stood. He told us that Jeremy's heart had stopped beating on the plane ride from Roswell. I waited for him to tell me that Jeremy was okay. But he said that they had done all they could, they tried to revive him for 45 minutes and they used every means possible. He told us that they worked longer on Jeremy than they usually do. Jeremy just had too much head trauma for his body to keep going. Jeremy's helmet had not saved his live. I just couldn't believe it. Jeremy was so young, so strong; he had his whole life in front of him and was finally, going down the right road. He had made peace with his childhood, his father and me. How could ths happen?! We were just beginning!
So then we had to make all the arrangments. At least this family, that had been fueding for 18 years, was able to come together. Everyone got along and comforted each other. I prayed Jeremy didn't have to die just so that we could all get along. I started looking for the meaning in his death. I still haven't found it. They said there is meaning in everything. I was touched by all the people that came to pay their respects. It amazed me how many lives Jeremy touched and that he had truly become a man right under my nose! I was saddened by all I did not know about his life.
Our family still has a huge whole. We will never be the same. Some days I do not want to go on living. I can't begin to imagine how Bo and Sheila feel. I pray for them often, as well as the rest of us that Jeremy meant so much to. How do you move on from the loss of a child? Every smile feels like a betrayal. What right do I have to be happy now? But then, I know Jeremy would want us all to live our lives to the fullest. So then I think, what right do I have to mope around? I just miss him. I grieve for the time I won't get to spend watching him grow as a man, become a husband and father. He would have been such a wonderful husband and father. He was so thoughtful and cared so much for other's feelings, even to his detriment. I just don't know where to go from here. How do we move on? How do we keep Jeremy's death from completely destroying us?
