The Next Chapter

We have exciting news!

We are moving back to Roswell!  It is time for the dream to begin!

Those of you that have known Bo since he was young(er) know about his dream to live off-grid.  Isn't it eerie how right he was all those years ago about the direction our country was taking?

I'm starting a new blog to track our progress (www.conklinsnextchapter.blogspot.com)

Homeschool farm is no longer necessary because Ben is graduated.  You heard that right!  Ben has completed his primary education!  He has met all the goals we set as a homeschool household and now he has gone to work.  We are very proud of him.  Here are the goals he met:

• Know how to gather the information he needs
• Love to learn
• Meet the state's basic high school requirements 

He found two jobs in one day, after only a few days of putting in applications.  He decided to keep only one of the jobs, which was offered part-time.  When he told them that he turned down the other job so it wouldn't interfere with them they offered him full-time employment.  He now spends his days repairing chain saws and loves it!  What a great first job!

Bo has completed his last day of work at Intel.  Now his job is to make the minor repairs to our house and clean up the yard to get the house ready to put on the market.  With the holidays over the work should go quicker now.

I am not taking time off school.  I have two semesters left and decided that it would be more disruptive to take off a semester than to move during the semester.  We packed most of the house and moved it into storage in Roswell already anyway.

We are expecting our first grandson!  Amber is due in January but hoping to have the baby this year.  Poor thing, she's so little and that baby is taking up too much space!  We can't wait to meet Orion.  Our move is so bittersweet because we won't get to live close to them in such a wonderful time of life!

So that's the scoop.  If you want to follow the progress on the next step just follow the new blog!

Family and loss

This is the last family picture we ever took.  Jeremy is scowling because I said something that made him mad.  No doubt I was trying to make a point about something in my effort to train him to be an upstanding man and father in society.  I wish I had spent less time fighting with him.  Looking back so many of those arguments really weren't worth it.  Especially since they stole precious present moments from us that I can never get back.

This is about 6 months before I met you.  Look, you're bigger than your sister, who's a whole year older than you!  Those eyes were always so penetrating, like you could see right through to my soul...and you accepted me anyway.  I think that's why we got along.  That's probably why I felt so betrayed  when you were turned against me.  Why couldn't I have been a bigger person?  Those times could have just flown by if I had let you see me for me instead of getting defensive.

Our first family photo.  Look at the hope in your dad's eyes, look how straight and strong his shoulders are.  His shoulders are stooped now and there is no light in his eyes.  Look at your sister, that smile is gone.  We know you would want us to be happy.  You were the most giving person I knew besides your dad.  We just can't make those feelings happen.  I know that God has a plan.

Here's the first family photo of all five of us.  You were so happy to be a big brother.  You would hold Benjaman in your lap and just watch him.  I wish I had fostered that more.

I miss you.  I miss the relationship we could be having now.  I wish our family wasn't so mired in grief.  I know God has a plan.  I know I will see you again.  Until then I will see you in my dreams and enjoy every single second of it.  I miss you and I love you, Jeremy.

Gifted

I got home from church and found 2 flats of plants.   I found out later that my neighbor, Tommy, had left them for us.

 Here is "Dee's Corner".  It is our pet cemetery, beginning with our dog Dee who died in 2006 just before we left for VA and UT.  Both cats are buried with her.  They were "her" cats.  She came running anytime either of them sounded disturbed, which was frequently.  LOL  I believe there are also 2 pet rats here.  Before anyone worries about ground water contamination, they are small animals and died over a period of 6 years.  Chill. :o)

In the round of stones is a New Mexico Privet, behind the bricks is a Mantanzas Creek sunflowers and to the left is a patch of Coronation Gold Yarrow.  I also planted hollyhocks from seeds along the fence.  When I checked last night they were just poking out of the ground.  The rabbits don't seem to like them so I guess they will grow.  YAY!

 I planted some of my gifts in flower pots and put them in my flower bed.  From left to right: Mexican hat, Coronation Gold Yarrow, Daisy, more yarrow, daisy and nastursium in the last pot.

 Here are some Mexican Hat.

Here are some Mantanza Creek sunflowers in my flower bed.

Here's a little patch of yarrow in my flower bed.

Here is my patriotic planter.  It has asylum and vinca.

This is my cottonless Cottonwood began with just a branch 6 years ago.

My hollyhock patch this year.  We thinned them; they were going wild!  I'd like them to be a little thicker next year.  They never really died back last year.  They bloomed into winter and were still green in January.

Agave (century plant) from my mom.  Hopefully I can keep it alive!

This is the honeysuckle we planted last year.

 This is another New Mexico privet.  I put the frame up because it's right by where Ben parks and I want him to be able to see it.

Here is the pergola Bo and Ben built.  Bo did all the math so that the sun won't shine in the house in the summer but will in the winter.  We really depend on the solar gain in the winter.  It must be right because we haven't had sun hit the back window since the pergola went up!  Thanks honey!

Russain sage- I planed this in 2008 when we got back from UT.  It was the first thing I ever planted on purpose anywhere I've ever lived.

Sunflower (traditional, with one big head).  I hope it survives!

 Here's our peach tree.  It put on 2 peaches last year, of course we picked them right away so it could spend it's energy growing.  It has about 6" new growth this year.  That's pretty good considering the rabbits ate most of the bark off the trunk this winter.

College at 41...

Wow!  Every time I post I determine to post more regularly.  I'd like to post weekly.  I'm always surprised when I get back around to it and it's been a month or more!  I have a good excuse this time.  I'm taking summer classes.  I don't remember them being this time-consuming 20 years ago.  Of course, the general course load for an Associates degree is much lighter than that of a Bachelor's degree.  I chose to take Intro to Marketing and Business Law.  I needed 2 classes to be able to utilize my student loan.  I couldn't have taken classes without the student loan.  Not taking at least one class this summer would have meant that I would have to take 5 classes one other semester or take 1 class my final semester.  Neither option was acceptable to me as I didn't deem either option efficient.  So here I sit during summer session.  

Marketing was a 4 week class.  That meant we had to get 4 months worth of work done in 4 weeks.  It worked out to 4-5 chapter per week.  I had 2 assignments and 1 test due every week.  I determined that it would be better to actually study the way I was taught 20 years ago.  That is to browse over the chapter, outline the chapter, define all vocabulary and then go back and read the chapter.  The idea being that you would expose yourself to the information at least 3 times which would further your success at retention. I found that after browsing, outlining and defining I had no time left to read the chapter.  I actually read every word of 2 out of 18 chapters.  I was actually able to participate in online class discussion and make As and Bs on all assignments and test except one.  I have yet to receive my final grade but according to my calculations it should be an A.  Yay for me!

My business law teacher posted his syllabus back in May.  I thought I should start early but decided not to.  I just stressed over the fact that the class would be self-led; my only responsibility is to meet the deadlines set out by the professor.  This is an 8 week course; which means 2-3 chapters per week in order to meet my deadlines.  Back in May I worried about that.  Now, it seems a light load after completing all my marketing work as well as my business law work.  The sad thing is I took this class 20 years ago.  Even though t was a 100 level class the instructor was so great that my 300 level course this semester is more like a review.

So no wonder I haven't been able to get back to my blog every week!  

Grief's journey

When your child dies you just want to curl up in a ball and cease to exist, even if you appear to be doing fine.  You think it's horrible, unfair and wrong that the world keeps turning and people go about their business.  Eventually though, maybe years down the road, the sheer momentum of the world drags you along with it and you get up and starting doing things again.  Eventually, you start enjoying things again. Sometimes you enjoy them without wondering when the other shoe will drop.

There are those that say I can't call Jeremy my son.  They don't know the relationship and connection we had.  He is the son of my heart.  My heart stopped beating when his stopped beating.  Then I knew that I had to be strong for everyone else, even his mother.  His mother never thought I should have a relationship with him and she definitely didn't want him to love me.  So I made up my mind right then in that little room at UNM hospital that I would be strong.  I would be the epitome of Christ's love to Jeremy's mom.  I pushed my grief aside and went into action.  And she seemed to appreciate it.  She accepted my hugs and offers of help.  I made sure that I didn't spend too much time in the funeral home chapel with Jeremy.  I only lost control and cried once.  I prayed that Jeremy didn't have to die just so these two families could get along.  Of course, over time (a rather short period, sadly) things changed and I was the enemy again.

Also in that little room I made the decision to be strong for Bo.  I knew he would feel guilt over Jeremy's childhood.  I knew that he already felt that he didn't satisfy his role as a father like he wanted to.  Much of that was beyond his control.  Much of that was because of a mother-centered court system and a women who would cajole and lie in court to keep "her" kids away from their father.  Some of it was Bo's short comings.  Every parent has short comings.  I'll say that again..."every parent has short comings".  Every parent makes mistakes and usually at least one of them is pretty big and has lasting effects on the child.  I pray that someday Bo will be healed and realize that he was a good dad and that Jeremy loved him.

I was strong for Ben, but he didn't seem to want any help and kept insisting he was fine.  I cringe when I think about what my 11 year old son went through alone because I couldn't figure out how to help him.  I thank God for the people in his life that helped him through that time.

I put aside all the baggage and trauma about Amber.  I determined to be there for her and I was.  She even seemed to trust me and we began to get close.  Then out of the blue I was the enemy again.  That grieves me horribly.  I pray that our relationship will be restored.  I pray that she will be healed.

Ironically, my biggest act of compassion, to be strong for everyone else, was a big mistake.  It appeared  that I didn't care.  It appeared to Ben that there is no time for grief and that you must just move on.  But worse of all, it appeared to Bo that I didn't need him.  I needed him desperately.  I prayed every night for God to take me home.  I drove a little too fast.  I didn't pay attention to mixing medicines with alcohol.  I wasn't suicidal; I just didn't care to do anything to keep myself healthy and/or alive.  I set a break-neck pace for my life between Ben's activities and my work and volunteer activities. I thought the business would push it all away. Then God placed on my heart what would happen to Ben and Bo and the rest of my family if I died.  He showed me how devastating that would be, especially so close to Jeremy's death.

I didn't feel better immediately, but I quit praying to die and took more care. I began thanking God for my life; for each and every day.  It's been 4 years since then.  I still get tired of this life and just wish it would all end.  Will that ever quit?  Will I ever be happy again?  Will Bo?  Will my family?  Will we ever be a family again?  Will I ever quit thinking that every happy moment must be paid for with tragedy?  I have hope now.  I know that God is with me every step of this journey.  I know that he has plans for me; if he didn't I'd be dead.  I know that God doesn't want me to be miserable.  I know that I can't control anything in this world.  It is all in God's hands.  I know I feel better about things when I quit trying to take my problems back from God.  I thank God for my depression and anxiety.  Without it I could never have understood that it is really all in His hands.

Heaven and Hell

Heaven and Hell - The Real Difference

A man spoke with the Lord about heaven and hell.  The Lord said to the man, "Come, I will show you hell." They entered a room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew.  Everyone was famished, desperate and starving.  Each held a spoon that reached the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their own arm that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths.  The suffering was terrible.

"Come, now I will show you heaven," the Lord said after a while.  They entered another room, identical to the first-the pot of stew, the group of people, the same long-handled spoons.  But there everyone was happy and well-nourished.

"I don't understand," said the man.  "Why are they happy here when they were miserable in the other room and everything was the same?"

The Lord smiled.  "Ah, it is simple," he said.  "Here they have learned to feed each other."

courtesy of Ann Landers