"16 Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. 17 One of them said, “Pardon me, my lord. This woman and I live in the same house, and I had a baby while she was there with me. 18 The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.
19 “During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. 20 So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. 21 The next morning, I got up to nurse my son—and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.”
22 The other woman said, “No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.”
But the first one insisted, “No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.” And so they argued before the king.
23 The king said, “This one says, ‘My son is alive and your son is dead,’ while that one says, ‘No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.’”
24 Then the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword for the king. 25 He then gave an order: “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.”
26 The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!”
But the other said, “Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!”
27 Then the king gave his ruling: “Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.”
28 When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice." 1 Kings 3:16-28 NIV
For the longest time I felt guilty about us not forcing ourselves into Jeremy and Amber's lives. This story explains it. It caused the kids so much heartache and pain to be involved with Bo and I (and Benjaman) because their mother didn't want that. So she made it very hard on the kids. I sat next to both kids, lending comfort, while they were on the phone with their mom explaining that they just wanted to spend some time with their dad. They were saying things like: "Yes, Mom, I still love you" and "Mom, nothing's wrong, he didn't promise me anything. I just want to get to know my dad". Of course, these conversations happened when they were teenagers; they are burned into my brain along with every single mistake Bo and I made that alienated them further. Bo opted to just accept the minimum involvement their mother would allow when they were younger. Now I understand. I held it against him for a long time. I even felt guilty about it for a long time; I thought it had something to do with me or the kids not wanting to be around me. Now, I realize that they were made to pay for all contact with their dad, but especially me. It especially hurts now because we really thought we would have their adult lives to form relationships. Now Jeremy is gone and so is that opportunity. I am so glad that the year before he died he decided to spend time with us anyway. We at least have a few memories to cherish. I still feel cheated though. I know I'll see him in Glory and I know I should be satisfied with that. I know he lives on in my heart. Sometimes that isn't comfort enough. I won't know what kind of husband he would be; what kind of parent he would be, what kind of grand-parent he would be. I regret every bad moment between us; it is lost and I can't make it right. I also know that these thoughts are selfish and serve no purpose other than to harm me.
A plea to all who share custody of their kids:
PLEASE PUT THE KIDS FEELINGS AND NEEDS BEFORE YOUR OWN! There are long-lasting effects. Just because the child turns 18 doesn't mean the games stop. It doesn't mean that you are free of other parent. It also doesn't mean that you will be able to forge that relationship with the child. It is heartbreaking.
For all my loving family and friends: Please don't worry, I am okay. I'm just working through things. Apparently, taking anti-depressants for 2 years after Jeremy's death did not allow me to pass through grief. So, while it may seem belated to some, I am grieving as I should have done almost 3 years ago. There are no shortcuts in life. I hope someone can learn from my experiences.
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I spent all day yesterday trying to feel as normal as possible, distracting myself whenever I began to dwell on the sadness. for the most part, I felt I could avoid having a sad day. I succeeded until bedtime, then I couldn't distract myself any more. I laid there awake for too long. I miss him. and I still feel bitter about the damage she did to my relationship with all 3 of my kids, not to mention the unnecessary strain on our marriage. all 3 kids suffered from her selfishness and I am still struggling to forgive. It's so hard to forgive because she diminished my time with him and now he's gone. each time I think of something he'll never do or see, it reignites a hatred in me that is very painful. She is still actively fighting me through Amber and that makes it very difficult to just forgive, because I know she's not done injuring my family with her selfishness. How do you forgive someone who will intentionally harm your family in the future? I miss Jeremy, and I miss Amber too. Amber may never see me as I would like to be seen, and while it's not all her mothers fault I still believe that the distance between Amber and me is greatly increased by her continuing efforts. I fear I will never have a close relationship with my daughter. And for that there is no remedy. Benjaman will never have the relationship that he deserves with Amber either, she has felt the need to love him while keeping her distance from me. How difficult all this must be for Amber, such a confusing set of rules. Love your little brother, don't love his parents. tolerate your father but don't acknowledge him as a loving parent. Disregard a loving step-mother without ignoring her son, your little brother. I don't think I could handle such an emotional hurricane. I pray for us all.
I keep seeing article like these. Thanks a bunch for sharing. Keep blogging.
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