House for sale!

Hello!

Here is the listing for our house.

http://www.fsbonm.com/details.asp?ID=1708

As soon as we sell it we can start on our new journey!

Please share it far and wide - you never know who might be interested!

Thanks!

Cheryl

The Next Chapter

We have exciting news!

We are moving back to Roswell!  It is time for the dream to begin!

Those of you that have known Bo since he was young(er) know about his dream to live off-grid.  Isn't it eerie how right he was all those years ago about the direction our country was taking?

I'm starting a new blog to track our progress (www.conklinsnextchapter.blogspot.com)

Homeschool farm is no longer necessary because Ben is graduated.  You heard that right!  Ben has completed his primary education!  He has met all the goals we set as a homeschool household and now he has gone to work.  We are very proud of him.  Here are the goals he met:

• Know how to gather the information he needs
• Love to learn
• Meet the state's basic high school requirements 

He found two jobs in one day, after only a few days of putting in applications.  He decided to keep only one of the jobs, which was offered part-time.  When he told them that he turned down the other job so it wouldn't interfere with them they offered him full-time employment.  He now spends his days repairing chain saws and loves it!  What a great first job!

Bo has completed his last day of work at Intel.  Now his job is to make the minor repairs to our house and clean up the yard to get the house ready to put on the market.  With the holidays over the work should go quicker now.

I am not taking time off school.  I have two semesters left and decided that it would be more disruptive to take off a semester than to move during the semester.  We packed most of the house and moved it into storage in Roswell already anyway.

We are expecting our first grandson!  Amber is due in January but hoping to have the baby this year.  Poor thing, she's so little and that baby is taking up too much space!  We can't wait to meet Orion.  Our move is so bittersweet because we won't get to live close to them in such a wonderful time of life!

So that's the scoop.  If you want to follow the progress on the next step just follow the new blog!

Family and loss

This is the last family picture we ever took.  Jeremy is scowling because I said something that made him mad.  No doubt I was trying to make a point about something in my effort to train him to be an upstanding man and father in society.  I wish I had spent less time fighting with him.  Looking back so many of those arguments really weren't worth it.  Especially since they stole precious present moments from us that I can never get back.

This is about 6 months before I met you.  Look, you're bigger than your sister, who's a whole year older than you!  Those eyes were always so penetrating, like you could see right through to my soul...and you accepted me anyway.  I think that's why we got along.  That's probably why I felt so betrayed  when you were turned against me.  Why couldn't I have been a bigger person?  Those times could have just flown by if I had let you see me for me instead of getting defensive.

Our first family photo.  Look at the hope in your dad's eyes, look how straight and strong his shoulders are.  His shoulders are stooped now and there is no light in his eyes.  Look at your sister, that smile is gone.  We know you would want us to be happy.  You were the most giving person I knew besides your dad.  We just can't make those feelings happen.  I know that God has a plan.

Here's the first family photo of all five of us.  You were so happy to be a big brother.  You would hold Benjaman in your lap and just watch him.  I wish I had fostered that more.

I miss you.  I miss the relationship we could be having now.  I wish our family wasn't so mired in grief.  I know God has a plan.  I know I will see you again.  Until then I will see you in my dreams and enjoy every single second of it.  I miss you and I love you, Jeremy.

Gifted

I got home from church and found 2 flats of plants.   I found out later that my neighbor, Tommy, had left them for us.

 Here is "Dee's Corner".  It is our pet cemetery, beginning with our dog Dee who died in 2006 just before we left for VA and UT.  Both cats are buried with her.  They were "her" cats.  She came running anytime either of them sounded disturbed, which was frequently.  LOL  I believe there are also 2 pet rats here.  Before anyone worries about ground water contamination, they are small animals and died over a period of 6 years.  Chill. :o)

In the round of stones is a New Mexico Privet, behind the bricks is a Mantanzas Creek sunflowers and to the left is a patch of Coronation Gold Yarrow.  I also planted hollyhocks from seeds along the fence.  When I checked last night they were just poking out of the ground.  The rabbits don't seem to like them so I guess they will grow.  YAY!

 I planted some of my gifts in flower pots and put them in my flower bed.  From left to right: Mexican hat, Coronation Gold Yarrow, Daisy, more yarrow, daisy and nastursium in the last pot.

 Here are some Mexican Hat.

Here are some Mantanza Creek sunflowers in my flower bed.

Here's a little patch of yarrow in my flower bed.

Here is my patriotic planter.  It has asylum and vinca.

This is my cottonless Cottonwood began with just a branch 6 years ago.

My hollyhock patch this year.  We thinned them; they were going wild!  I'd like them to be a little thicker next year.  They never really died back last year.  They bloomed into winter and were still green in January.

Agave (century plant) from my mom.  Hopefully I can keep it alive!

This is the honeysuckle we planted last year.

 This is another New Mexico privet.  I put the frame up because it's right by where Ben parks and I want him to be able to see it.

Here is the pergola Bo and Ben built.  Bo did all the math so that the sun won't shine in the house in the summer but will in the winter.  We really depend on the solar gain in the winter.  It must be right because we haven't had sun hit the back window since the pergola went up!  Thanks honey!

Russain sage- I planed this in 2008 when we got back from UT.  It was the first thing I ever planted on purpose anywhere I've ever lived.

Sunflower (traditional, with one big head).  I hope it survives!

 Here's our peach tree.  It put on 2 peaches last year, of course we picked them right away so it could spend it's energy growing.  It has about 6" new growth this year.  That's pretty good considering the rabbits ate most of the bark off the trunk this winter.

College at 41...

Wow!  Every time I post I determine to post more regularly.  I'd like to post weekly.  I'm always surprised when I get back around to it and it's been a month or more!  I have a good excuse this time.  I'm taking summer classes.  I don't remember them being this time-consuming 20 years ago.  Of course, the general course load for an Associates degree is much lighter than that of a Bachelor's degree.  I chose to take Intro to Marketing and Business Law.  I needed 2 classes to be able to utilize my student loan.  I couldn't have taken classes without the student loan.  Not taking at least one class this summer would have meant that I would have to take 5 classes one other semester or take 1 class my final semester.  Neither option was acceptable to me as I didn't deem either option efficient.  So here I sit during summer session.  

Marketing was a 4 week class.  That meant we had to get 4 months worth of work done in 4 weeks.  It worked out to 4-5 chapter per week.  I had 2 assignments and 1 test due every week.  I determined that it would be better to actually study the way I was taught 20 years ago.  That is to browse over the chapter, outline the chapter, define all vocabulary and then go back and read the chapter.  The idea being that you would expose yourself to the information at least 3 times which would further your success at retention. I found that after browsing, outlining and defining I had no time left to read the chapter.  I actually read every word of 2 out of 18 chapters.  I was actually able to participate in online class discussion and make As and Bs on all assignments and test except one.  I have yet to receive my final grade but according to my calculations it should be an A.  Yay for me!

My business law teacher posted his syllabus back in May.  I thought I should start early but decided not to.  I just stressed over the fact that the class would be self-led; my only responsibility is to meet the deadlines set out by the professor.  This is an 8 week course; which means 2-3 chapters per week in order to meet my deadlines.  Back in May I worried about that.  Now, it seems a light load after completing all my marketing work as well as my business law work.  The sad thing is I took this class 20 years ago.  Even though t was a 100 level class the instructor was so great that my 300 level course this semester is more like a review.

So no wonder I haven't been able to get back to my blog every week!  

Grief's journey

When your child dies you just want to curl up in a ball and cease to exist, even if you appear to be doing fine.  You think it's horrible, unfair and wrong that the world keeps turning and people go about their business.  Eventually though, maybe years down the road, the sheer momentum of the world drags you along with it and you get up and starting doing things again.  Eventually, you start enjoying things again. Sometimes you enjoy them without wondering when the other shoe will drop.

There are those that say I can't call Jeremy my son.  They don't know the relationship and connection we had.  He is the son of my heart.  My heart stopped beating when his stopped beating.  Then I knew that I had to be strong for everyone else, even his mother.  His mother never thought I should have a relationship with him and she definitely didn't want him to love me.  So I made up my mind right then in that little room at UNM hospital that I would be strong.  I would be the epitome of Christ's love to Jeremy's mom.  I pushed my grief aside and went into action.  And she seemed to appreciate it.  She accepted my hugs and offers of help.  I made sure that I didn't spend too much time in the funeral home chapel with Jeremy.  I only lost control and cried once.  I prayed that Jeremy didn't have to die just so these two families could get along.  Of course, over time (a rather short period, sadly) things changed and I was the enemy again.

Also in that little room I made the decision to be strong for Bo.  I knew he would feel guilt over Jeremy's childhood.  I knew that he already felt that he didn't satisfy his role as a father like he wanted to.  Much of that was beyond his control.  Much of that was because of a mother-centered court system and a women who would cajole and lie in court to keep "her" kids away from their father.  Some of it was Bo's short comings.  Every parent has short comings.  I'll say that again..."every parent has short comings".  Every parent makes mistakes and usually at least one of them is pretty big and has lasting effects on the child.  I pray that someday Bo will be healed and realize that he was a good dad and that Jeremy loved him.

I was strong for Ben, but he didn't seem to want any help and kept insisting he was fine.  I cringe when I think about what my 11 year old son went through alone because I couldn't figure out how to help him.  I thank God for the people in his life that helped him through that time.

I put aside all the baggage and trauma about Amber.  I determined to be there for her and I was.  She even seemed to trust me and we began to get close.  Then out of the blue I was the enemy again.  That grieves me horribly.  I pray that our relationship will be restored.  I pray that she will be healed.

Ironically, my biggest act of compassion, to be strong for everyone else, was a big mistake.  It appeared  that I didn't care.  It appeared to Ben that there is no time for grief and that you must just move on.  But worse of all, it appeared to Bo that I didn't need him.  I needed him desperately.  I prayed every night for God to take me home.  I drove a little too fast.  I didn't pay attention to mixing medicines with alcohol.  I wasn't suicidal; I just didn't care to do anything to keep myself healthy and/or alive.  I set a break-neck pace for my life between Ben's activities and my work and volunteer activities. I thought the business would push it all away. Then God placed on my heart what would happen to Ben and Bo and the rest of my family if I died.  He showed me how devastating that would be, especially so close to Jeremy's death.

I didn't feel better immediately, but I quit praying to die and took more care. I began thanking God for my life; for each and every day.  It's been 4 years since then.  I still get tired of this life and just wish it would all end.  Will that ever quit?  Will I ever be happy again?  Will Bo?  Will my family?  Will we ever be a family again?  Will I ever quit thinking that every happy moment must be paid for with tragedy?  I have hope now.  I know that God is with me every step of this journey.  I know that he has plans for me; if he didn't I'd be dead.  I know that God doesn't want me to be miserable.  I know that I can't control anything in this world.  It is all in God's hands.  I know I feel better about things when I quit trying to take my problems back from God.  I thank God for my depression and anxiety.  Without it I could never have understood that it is really all in His hands.

Heaven and Hell

Heaven and Hell - The Real Difference

A man spoke with the Lord about heaven and hell.  The Lord said to the man, "Come, I will show you hell." They entered a room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew.  Everyone was famished, desperate and starving.  Each held a spoon that reached the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their own arm that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths.  The suffering was terrible.

"Come, now I will show you heaven," the Lord said after a while.  They entered another room, identical to the first-the pot of stew, the group of people, the same long-handled spoons.  But there everyone was happy and well-nourished.

"I don't understand," said the man.  "Why are they happy here when they were miserable in the other room and everything was the same?"

The Lord smiled.  "Ah, it is simple," he said.  "Here they have learned to feed each other."

courtesy of Ann Landers

Back to school

Well, I went back to school to finish my Bachelor's Degree in Business Administration with a concentration in Accounting.  Things have changed a lot in the 18 years I've been out of school.  Everything is done on the computer and through the internet.  There has been a learning curve. I'm starting slow, just 2 classes this semester.  I'll take 3 next semester.  Then hopefully I'll find a scholarship to cover the cost.

Flashback

8:00 am It's been a peaceful morning so far even though I forgot to set the alarm last night.  I woke up in time to feed the horses, chickens and dogs; to make myself breakfast and get ready for Bible Study.  I'm currently relaxing with my coffee.  Then the phone rings.  The caller id says University of New Mexico.  I don't know any reason I should be getting a call from UNM.  I answer.  A woman on the other end says, "Is this the Conklin residence?"  The butterflies think about starting in my stomach.  I say, "yes".  She says, "Are you a parent of Benjaman Conklin?"  The butterflies begin to rattle around, I feel the blood drain from my face and my heart start to pound.  "Yes," I say.  "What is your name, ma'am?" she asks.  "Cheryl," I croak out.

I'm flashing back almost 5 years to that call from Jeremy's mom.  "Is Bo there?" she asked.  It was obvious she was crying.  "He's outside, off our property.  What's wrong?  Can I do something?" I replied.  "Jeremy's been in an accident and he's being flown to Albuquerque, to UNM.  Can you go there?  I'm on my way from El Paso." she said.  Our whole world stopped.  Even then I thought, "Jeremy's an athlete, he's strong, he has a strong heart.  How can I convince his mom to let him recover with us?"  I had no idea that Jeremy was fighting for his life at that very moment.  I had absolutely no idea that in 3 hours a doctor would stand before us and say "We tried to resuscitate him for 45 minutes, far longer than usual because of his health and age"  At this point I'm smiling, thinking "that's my boy!  He's so strong!"  Then the doctor said, "I'm sorry, his heart quit.  There was too much damage to his brain."  WHAT?!  NO!  How can this be happening?  He had just recently broken from the bonds of hate pumped into him his whole life.  He had just, months before, came to visit us of his own free will, because HE wanted to.  The struggle of his childhood and fighting with his mother over Bo's rights as a father were over.  How could this be happening now?  Now that we had a chance to become a true family!  He had his life planned out.  He was happy and secure. Our entire world changed that day.  Our family began to crumble in that instant that Jeremy died.  I still haven't recovered.  Every time Ben leaves the house I worry that he'll never return and that I'll be standing there with the doctor getting the news about him.

Back to today. 8 am It seemed like an eternity before she said, "I'm calling to ask you a few questions about the driver's education class Benjaman took back in January."

I almost screamed at her.  It was all I could do to civilly answer her questions.

Counting my blessings...

There are some days when all I can do is count my blessings and ignore the things that I don't like.

A roof over my head.
Enough money to pay the bills.
A husband who loves me.
A son who loves me.
Dog ears to scruff.
I'm on the right side of the grass (although this one is debatable.  In paradise would be much better and easier).
Family and friends who would help me if they even knew I was having trouble, only I have no idea what I need to help.  I don't even know what to ask for or what to pray for.

Ok, I'll go work out and get some chores done.  Maybe pure manual labor will put things in perspective.

My Flower Garden

 Tri-color glad.  It's my favorite but they were all so beautiful.

 Nasturtium, I forgot I planted it.  I plant it every year, but I must pull it thinking it's weeds.  This is the first year it's come up (that I know of, LOL) and bloomed.

This popped up under my holly hocks.  The flowers open in the morning and close in the afternoon.  It took over the flower bed and had lots of flowers.  I knew it was some kind of gourd or melon but it didn't put on anything.  Finally it put on a small green striped elongated melon.  So I thought, well it's a watermelon or pumpkin.  Now the mystery melon is solid green and getting round so I guess it's a pumpkin.  Mystery solved.

Rain!

It finally rained at our house today!  I know, everyone around has been getting regular rain.  We usually sit and watch the clouds go right around us without a drop.  Rainstorms provide beautiful sunsets!  This is the view to the south of our house.  It was so much prettier than the actual sunset tonight.

Our words...they mean something.

"A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."
                                                                                                                                Proverbs 18:2
In my soul exists the constant striving to just be quiet; to listen, see, experience life around me.  If I could only listen and comply more often than I do!


"A fool's lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating."
                                                                                                                                Proverbs 18:6
Think before speaking.  How will my words help this situation or person?


"A fool's mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul."
                                                                                                                               Proverbs 18:7
Words matter.  The things I say impact me deeply whether I realize it or not.


"The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts."
                                                                                                                             Proverbs 18:8
Gossip seems harmless sometimes but it will infect you.


"He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame."
                                                                                                                             Proverbs 18:13
Wow!  I am so guilty of this!  This goes back to verse 2; if I could just listen and not try so hard to get MY point of view or position into the conversation things would go much smoother.


"A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?"
                                                                                                                        Proverbs 18:14
I must keep my spirit healthy and active in good times so I can lean on it in bad times.  If I allow it to be crushed for small reasons how can I possibly survive during the really hard times?

"The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out."
                                                                                                                          Proverbs 18:15
Another reminder to listen, see and experience.

I'm still here...

I sit in the passenger seat while he's driving, getting his hours for his provisional license.  I remember teaching you to drive.  I remember all the conversations, meaningful and not, LOL.  I remember all the music you introduced me to, some of it I liked, LOL.  I remember the time you almost launched us off that overpass.  These are all fond memories.


I teach him to clean (up to my standards, of course, LOL) and remember what a great job you always did.  You learned quickly and did a great job.  I don't think I told you enough, if at all.  I'm sorry for that.  I wish I could have appreciated the positive more than I focused on the negative and the things that needed correcting.


I put my makeup on and remember teaching you how to wear makeup.  I shave my legs and remember teaching you to shave.  I curl my hair and remember you teaching me how to fix my hair in different ways.  I remember helping you dye your hair and talking your dad into letting you try different colors and the spikes.  These are fond memories.


We are intertwined.  I am who I am today because of your influence in my life.


I wish I could have told you then how important you are to me.  I am telling you now how important you are to me and that I love you.  I am here whenever you need me and whenever you are ready.  I will always be here for you.

The homeschooling journey...

"Homeschooling is like entering a lifeboat from a large cruise ship. The cruise ship - like some schools - is pleasant enough, but unfortunately travels in circles, seeming to go nowhere. Some passengers learn to handle of even enjoy the prescribed activities. Others openly rebel by acting out or spacing out.

One day, knowing there must be a better way, you and your family board a lifeboat to chart your own course. your children look to you for direction, and you smile back, a little scared and definitely lost. Uncertain of your destination, you look around the great big ocean from your tiny lifeboat, wave good-bye to the cruise ship, and start rowing.

That is how most families begin homeschooling. they dip their oars into the water and shove off, using the equipment available - their experience, learning materials in their homes, and free community resources. Eventually, they reach an island where they find other homeschooling families and learn about ta world of resources and opportunities. Their children begin to flourish, and they wonder why they ever had any doubts about leaving the ship."

Homeschooling the Teen Years by Cafi Cohen

This is such a good analogy!

The Parable of the Lost Son AKA The Story of the Prodigal Son

The Parable of the Lost Son

Luke 15:11-32New International Version (NIV)

11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. 13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. 17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. 21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ 22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. 25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’ 28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ 31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Some things to remember about this parable:


Prodigal - 1. Characterized by profuse or wasteful expenditure 2. Recklessly spendthrift


The prodigal child lived the way he wanted for a period of time, but he came back to his father.  The opportunity for healing didn't occur until the prodigal child realized he wanted a relationship with his father.  A prodigal child will not return without a change of heart and it must be the prodigal child's choice to return.  I fear that if the father had actively sought out the prodigal child and tried to make the prodigal child see reason that it would have prolonged the prodigal child's absence.


You don't need to earn a parent's love.  You can count on a parent's love; it will always be there. The father had no choice but to continue tending his flocks and fields while the prodigal child was gone.  Other were depending on him.  He must have been hurt deeply but in his wisdom he knew that God was in control and that all things work together for the glory of God.


Every time I hear this parable I get something else out of it.  there's a good book called The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller that talks about the older son in this parable.  he talks about why the older son was made; because he followed all the rules and did everything he was supposed to and the younger son did not.  It's a very interesting read, especially to an oldest child.

Winter Storm

Sunrise this morning. It was 4* at 7am with a few snowflakes in the air. It was 3* at 7:30am and the clouds covered the sun and there was more snow. At 3pm today it is 30*, blue skies not a cloud in sight and no snow falling.
Apparently, the horses thought it was feeding time.
Isn't this the epitome of New Mexico weather? I could have moved the camera slightly to the left and gotten a picture of blue skies and slightly tot he right and severe dark clouds. LOL

A wise ruling

"16 Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. 17 One of them said, “Pardon me, my lord. This woman and I live in the same house, and I had a baby while she was there with me. 18 The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.
19 “During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. 20 So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. 21 The next morning, I got up to nurse my son—and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.”

22 The other woman said, “No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.”

But the first one insisted, “No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.” And so they argued before the king.

23 The king said, “This one says, ‘My son is alive and your son is dead,’ while that one says, ‘No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.’”

24 Then the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword for the king. 25 He then gave an order: “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.”

26 The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!”

But the other said, “Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!”

27 Then the king gave his ruling: “Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.”

28 When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice." 1 Kings 3:16-28 NIV

For the longest time I felt guilty about us not forcing ourselves into Jeremy and Amber's lives. This story explains it. It caused the kids so much heartache and pain to be involved with Bo and I (and Benjaman) because their mother didn't want that. So she made it very hard on the kids. I sat next to both kids, lending comfort, while they were on the phone with their mom explaining that they just wanted to spend some time with their dad. They were saying things like: "Yes, Mom, I still love you" and "Mom, nothing's wrong, he didn't promise me anything. I just want to get to know my dad". Of course, these conversations happened when they were teenagers; they are burned into my brain along with every single mistake Bo and I made that alienated them further. Bo opted to just accept the minimum involvement their mother would allow when they were younger. Now I understand. I held it against him for a long time. I even felt guilty about it for a long time; I thought it had something to do with me or the kids not wanting to be around me. Now, I realize that they were made to pay for all contact with their dad, but especially me. It especially hurts now because we really thought we would have their adult lives to form relationships. Now Jeremy is gone and so is that opportunity. I am so glad that the year before he died he decided to spend time with us anyway. We at least have a few memories to cherish. I still feel cheated though. I know I'll see him in Glory and I know I should be satisfied with that. I know he lives on in my heart. Sometimes that isn't comfort enough. I won't know what kind of husband he would be; what kind of parent he would be, what kind of grand-parent he would be. I regret every bad moment between us; it is lost and I can't make it right. I also know that these thoughts are selfish and serve no purpose other than to harm me.

A plea to all who share custody of their kids:

PLEASE PUT THE KIDS FEELINGS AND NEEDS BEFORE YOUR OWN! There are long-lasting effects. Just because the child turns 18 doesn't mean the games stop. It doesn't mean that you are free of other parent. It also doesn't mean that you will be able to forge that relationship with the child. It is heartbreaking.

For all my loving family and friends: Please don't worry, I am okay. I'm just working through things. Apparently, taking anti-depressants for 2 years after Jeremy's death did not allow me to pass through grief. So, while it may seem belated to some, I am grieving as I should have done almost 3 years ago. There are no shortcuts in life. I hope someone can learn from my experiences.

WHY?

WHY?! Why did you give us a bath?! We worked very hard to get that smelly and dirty!

BJJ

Here's Ben after his stripe promotion with Professor Raphael. Ben is now Orange belt 3rd yellow stripe. Ben trains at Gracie Barra in Albuquerque.

Southwest Grapplefest V, Rio Rancho, NM
Benjaman is in the blue Gi in both fights.

From Bo:
Fight #1 The first match was against a girl who was ranked green belt (1 belt above Benjaman). He finished her with an arm bar technique.

Fight #2 The second match was against another green belt. Benjaman finished him with a choke while defending against an arm bar.

Don't worry if you don't know what "arm bar" means, Benjaman will be happy to answer any questions you may have!

Both matches were against very strong opponents and we are very proud of him.

Champ!